God Didn't Save My Marriage
The fairytale wedding followed by the white picket fence. Happily ever after they call it. The thing you dream about from childhood. What happens when things aren't so happily ever after? What happens when things end in that dreaded "d" word. You know, divorce.
Modern culture tells us marriage is all about how you "feel" and when you no longer "feel" like being married it's as simple as a signature on a piece of paper. I, however, look to a more traditional belief system that founded the design of marriage. One that teaches us that marriage is a forever covenant. But what happens when that covenant is broken?
Walking through the inevitable end of a marriage being abandoned by a man who found himself with a new life and baby on the way, I experienced a roller coaster of emotions and an endless amount of questions I never thought would be answered. Divorce was not supposed to be a part of my story. Failure was not an acceptable end to something I invested so much of myself in. I had many conversations with God as I walked through one of the hardest times of my life and I remember specifically asking Him "if you are for marriage, if you are a God of reconciliation, why are you not reconciling my marriage?" I was being faithful. I was praying what felt like 24/7. I was in His word desperately seeking Him. I was at the church any chance I could be. Yet I STILL was not experiencing this miracle I was believing for. I STILL wasn't allowing myself to see God moving on my behalf. Key word allowing.
One Thursday night as I stood worshiping during a Connection service, the band played the song "King of My Heart.” Earlier I mentioned that I experienced many questions that I felt would never be answered. As someone who has already walked through divorce and much of the healing process thereafter, I am here to tell you that if you find yourself in that very place, your questions will eventually be answered. Maybe not in the ways you want them to, but God has His own way of answering questions. And His own timing too. So, back to standing in worship almost two years after many of my questions had been asked and gone unanswered, I wasn't searching for anything. I was simply standing in the presence of God worshiping with friends and the lyrics sang "you're never gonna let me down". In that moment, God spoke His answer to me. My eyes
immediately welled up with tears and they began falling uncontrollably. Happy tears.
He never let me down. He never failed me. In the midst of me feeling like not only the person who said vows to me had abandon me but also at times feeling He had, He never, not once, let me down. In that moment, God spoke straight to my heart that He knew the whole time, as my life seemingly fell completely apart, exactly what it would take to put it back together.
Gods timing is crazy. Sometimes it doesn't make sense. But it's perfect. It doesn't come to early or to late. God didn't let me down. Not even a little bit. If you are walking through divorce I am here to tell you that you can let a bad thing become one of the best things for you if you seek God and let Him put your pieces back together.
Everyone's story is different and everyone has a different process. God has already blessed me with a relationship that shows me why He allowed the first one to end. He is showing me what a love from Him looks like. When I was initially praying for reconciliation and restoration I knew God promised me those things but I didn't know exactly what they would look like in my life. He has reconciled me to Himself and restored my happily ever after dreams not allowing them to be tarnished by my past.
I remember not thinking I would ever be "ok". Though as I sit here typing, I can honestly and whole heartedly say I am in the happiest, most fulfilled place I have ever been. My heart is so full and overwhelmed when I think about my future. So for those of you not quite on the other side of things yet, I hope you can hear me when I say - you are going to be ok! You aren't defined by the abandonment you experienced, the rejection you felt or the failure you find a way to blame yourself for. You didn't lose your spot on the pew at church and you aren't destined to be "forever alone". You will walk through many different seasons and you will have to grieve your loss. But let that be a short season so you can step into every good thing God has for your future. Spend time with Him. Trust Him. Trust His process for you. And know this my friend, He will never let you down.